Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
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My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Dishonest mechanic?
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?