It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
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Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
the chicken was already gone when I got here
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
They’re called werewolves.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone