My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
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Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.