me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
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ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
*eats only grass-fed donuts
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.