*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
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me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
I’m putting together a team
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.