It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
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[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.