Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
You Might Also Like
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?