In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
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Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.