Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
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All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
We avoided this particular disaster
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…