Accidentally sent a guy a 馃槈 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
You Might Also Like
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Me: If I were you, I鈥檇 confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn鈥檛. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I鈥檇 do what you鈥檙e doing
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
i shouldn鈥檛 be laughing, but i am
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 馃檪
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Everyone鈥檚 gangster until they pull a push door.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn鈥檛 taste better with butter.
is this meant to deter me
I鈥檓 not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
i鈥檓 sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
so, is there a mister shapen head
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things