My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
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Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.