stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
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I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
When he asks for feet pics
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes