her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
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English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Imma just leave this here…………
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.