“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
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I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.