Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
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it was a valiant fight
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.