DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
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My sex drive has a dui
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Wise advice
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!