Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
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I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
This is not me but this is me
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter