him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
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My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.