9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
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Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
this is what they would have looked like, though
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
*looks at you in batman voice*
Previously On Persistence 😎
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.