2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
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A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.