7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
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I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens