I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
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When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.