I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
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Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive