hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
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These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
It be like that sometimes 😆
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Lmao the reply
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.