Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
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Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan