Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
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toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.