[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
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I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing