I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
You Might Also Like
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.