I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
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PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.