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Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!