Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
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If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
All. The. Damn. Time.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp