Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
You Might Also Like
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”