young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
You Might Also Like
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
the council will decide your fate
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”