88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
You Might Also Like
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Fluff me with a fork baby
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH