My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
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If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Holy moly
Feel. He’s so soft.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again