I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
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Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
The news is so predictable nowadays
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.