Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
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I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.