Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
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mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Hank is one in a melon.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
guys I’m going home
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.