Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
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The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Only short people can save us
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Breaking news:
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.