Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
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You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
President The Rock Obama
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Storm Tropical Storm
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
I’ve had worse