Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
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Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.