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1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
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I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Me My dog
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
“Sheer Arrogance”
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no