Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
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i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
The devil.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
The struggle is real
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t