Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
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we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.