If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
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At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
oh u like geography? name every lake
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
If you love someone, let them sleep.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.