Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
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Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
🤣
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped