I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
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In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
some things should go without saying
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
You can’t rush stupid.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.