If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
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At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Ha
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.