I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
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Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*