Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
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Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Weirdos gonna weird.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.